We had a very intense conversation 8 months ago. I don’t blame you for freaking out.
Except I do. Just a bit.
I understand why you freaked out, anyone would have freaked out. But nothing has changed, and it’s been 8 months, man!
I take that back. I have to give you some credit, we occasionally exchange short conversations here and there. That’s a step.
But do you see how silly that sounds?
You know, my whole life I have lost best friends, not once was I able to keep one. I moved constantly, as you know, and with each move you lose the people closest to you. And each time you lose someone close to you, you lose a piece of yourself. Eventually, they take a toll on you and you look in the mirror and you’re not sure who you are anymore.
I am constantly scared of losing people. Especially you.
You helped me find myself again.
After I moved away, we talked practically every single day! Then by what could only be the grace of God, my family moved to Michigan, and now “we occasionally exchange short conversations”.
You were my best friend. I have to say were because I don’t know what we are anymore!
& I don’t think that is fair, mister. I really, truly don’t!
I didn’t do anything!
You found those things that made you freak out all on your own. You were obviously looking for something, and you found it.
Maybe I don’t know the whole story. & maybe that’s the problem.
I have no idea what is going on in your head. What is your view on this? Where do I stand with you?
It’s always been me opening up to you, and talking at you. I need you to talk to me.
Maybe then I can get my friend back, because I STILL haven’t seen him in awhile.
You don’t know everything.
What works for you isn’t the same for every person.
Do not judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Everybody has worth.
& every person is sent off on a different journey.
Just because someone “lives a better life”, to however you may define that, does not make you any better than the rest.
Everyone has a different story. & each one is important.
It may be human nature to judge, but be careful on how you act on those judgments. Nobody is perfect. Think before you act, think before you speak. Because reality is, you will never understand until you walk in their shoes.
This week is world suicide prevention week. It’s hard to believe that just a little over two years ago my mind was set on that path. I know people say to leave the past in the past, & in a sense I do, I don’t intend to relive those years of darkness; but I love to look back at it all. Now by that, I mean I love seeing where I was to where I am & analyzing how it all happened. Clearly God saved me, that’s a given, but I like going back to moments & then seeing what was really going on & how that played into Gods plan of getting me to where I am now. Getting in touch with that part of my life is so important to me. I never want to forget those days. Those 3 & a half years molded me & gave me a better outlook & basically inspired me to do more with my life! I truly believe I was meant to live that struggle. I’m not sure if I would have the same understanding & appreciation of things without it. God has given me an incredible journey to live out & it’s far from over. I feel blessed that He has pulled me through those years & I pray that He’ll be able to use me to help others through their darkness. For those reading this I pray this may bring you some hope in knowing there really is light at the end of the tunnel. It may feel like the end, but this is only the beginning of your story, make it a good one!
I saw this on Pinterest recently & it hit me. I feel like my entire life I’ve been misunderstood, so when I talk I feel a great need to overly explain with lots of reenacting if necessary. I’m currently learning that not everybody will always understand me, no matter how many times or ways I explain my thoughts or actions. I think that’s why I’m so quiet in crowds sometimes, that whatever I say might be misunderstood or that I’m being judged. I’ve been told not to underestimate my quiet spirit & I thought to myself “when did I become the quiet one?!” I’m actually quite outgoing…& very loud.
Anyways like I was saying, I have to learn not to care what other people think. A lesson that I seem to have to relearn everywhere I go. But it’s true. I need to remember I’m allowed to have a voice, an opinion even, & it’s ok if someone disagrees or doesn’t understand. If they make a big deal about it, that’s on them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion & one persons way of things may not work for someone else. That doesn’t necessarily mean its wrong. It means everyone is different. With a different path, a different past & a different personality.
I think I may be overly explaining again. My bad.
In conclusion: it’s ok to be different. It’s ok if not everyone understands me. I’m me, Kristina, & I have to live my life as Kristina. Nothing less. Nobody else. Just me.
This concludes my late night rant. :)
After almost 4 years of being very depressed & turning to self harm, today is my two year mark of being clean from cutting! It’s amazing how God has changed my life since then & I feel so blessed that He used the Inner City’s VBS to set that part of my life in motion. Every year the last day of VBS is such a sentimental time for me, not only because we’re ending another VBS but because its a great reminder to me of all that God has done for me & where he brought me from. I almost didn’t go to that VBS that year, & I honestly don’t know if I’d be alive today if I didn’t. He knew me being apart of that program would change me & bring me hope again. Two years ago He saved my life & I am eternally grateful. <3
Truer words never spoken. No one will ever know how much or deeply I care for the people in my life. Nor will they know how many tears have been shed and prayers have been said in their behalf. I can only hope that one day I can truly help the people in my life.
I don’t see much of a future for me. But I see myself growing wiser. Being a good person, helping others & making people smile. I see myself finding a husband & getting married someday. Having kids & being a fantastic mom, I feel like that’s what I was meant to do. If I can do all that & serve God while doing so, that’s all the future I need. & knowing I have that future to look forward to makes it a little easier to get past present struggles.