Confessions:
-Sometimes I think I should be taken to a psych ward
-I don’t think I’m beautiful enough for anyone to possibly love me
-Sometimes I wish I suffered from anorexia instead
-I’m a horrible big sister
-I wish I had a better relationship with my parents
-He probably doesn’t love me back…
-I’ve tried to be bulimic & anorexic before. But chickened out
-I’ve googled ways to kill myself before.
-I decided that I would cut until I bled out.
-I hate that I think about this stuff at night.
-I hate when I take one step forward I take 3 steps back
-I haven’t cut myself in 10 months
-I almost cut last night & earlier tonight
-A lot of times I feel like no one is really my friend & they all just put up with me or feel sorry for me
-Other times I can see I only have about a couple good friends
-I get really upset thinking about “friends” situations.
-I miss high school because I knew what to expect everyday. & how I just showed up, friends were there & my day was planned out for me.
-I also miss it because I had people to talk to whenever I needed them.
-I constantly fear I’m going to lose everyone close to me or just be forgotten
-I have never felt so alone than I do since I move here.
-366 days (leap year) is a long time to go with no friends, no social life, maybe 5 phone calls totaled.
-Sometimes I still believe that I’m doomed.
-& I hate myself because I know people are worse off & yet I complain & complain…
-My heart hurts, all the time
-I really want a hug right now.
and you’re just like,
Studies show that this blog develops ab muscles due to excessive laughter.
I’m really odd when it comes to the night time. I’m a night owl, so naturally I become very awake at night. I find myself to be more creative during this time, & my thoughts seem to be cluttered. Which adds to my insomnia like behavior. Sometimes I have so many thoughts I can’t find a way to put them in writing, but other times I get lucky & I can pin point all my thoughts into one, thus creating this entry.
A lot of times what I end up thinking about is the person I’ll be years from now & how my past will effect that girl. I hope that I’ll be strong & wise, & full of happiness. An independent woman. That I spread the joy I have with the friends I’ve made & make sure they know how I’ve gotten to where I am now. How I’ve been through dark & miserable storms but I finally reached the light. & that there’s hope if they should ever encounter one of their own storms.
Other times I wonder if I’ll ever live my dreams I concocted at the age of three. I wanted to be a singer/song writer/actress. I had high expectations for myself as a young one, & i truly believed I would end up doing that. I remember my guidelines were specifically written that by the time I was 16-18 years old I would have made something of myself by then. Obviously God had other plans, but I can’t help but feel like I’m letting my three year old self down. Because I kind of never got over that dream. Although now its not so much about the fame, its more about inspiring people & changing their lives through singing & writing & acting.
Last but not least, everyone’s favorite topic…love. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love & be loved in return” I probably think about love 24/7. Whether it be about a boy, or lately, about being closer to Jesus, its all I can think about. It’s all I’ve ever wanted in life, really. I love the thought of being in love & having someone love me. Just thinking about it brings a riot of butterflies in my stomach. Even though I still can’t see how someone could…which brings me back to self love. I bounce back & forth from those two thoughts. “What if he actually likes me back!?…but why would anyone ever love me, that’s stupid…it’s possible, you’re a good person!” I wont continue with the crazy thoughts that run through my head at night.
This is a very tired post full of thoughts & dreams, & I’m bringing it to a close. I wish to fulfill everything I’ve listed from my sleepy head of mine. To change the lives of those with broken spirits, to inspire. To dream & be happy. To grow strong & wise. To live for Jesus. To love myself as well as to fall in love with someone & be loved in return.
I may only be a sleep deprived nineteen year old girl, but these things aren’t too much to hope for, are they?
